11. Penile advice Part 1.

Are Korean men obsessed with the British peen? Find out below.

Yes, yes, they are. Sort of… kinda… yes.

So this is a story, this is a true story but a story none-the-less. All names, except mine have been changed to protect the guilty.

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I’m in Andong, it’s a Tuesday night and I’m having a pint in a local pub. A Korean guy walks past me, stops and say,’will you be here’. I nod. ‘Stay right there, I will be back’.

With that he turns and high tails it out of the bar.

I shrug not knowing what to make of it and contemplate another pint.

He came back about 30 minutes later. ‘Will you teach me English?’

Now, under my visa if I teach outside of the school and I’m caught by immigration, I’m hammered. I don’t think immigration will be kicking down doors in Andong screaming,’Is that a TELF book, Hands up, drop ‘A is for Apple’ and put your hands against the wall’. But I did think,’ sure I can have a chat with the fella, no harm can come from it’.

We sat down and he brought over two pints and told me he’d already paid for my meal and drink. This is very kind BUT this act of random kindness put me on edge.

What did he want from me?

Do you want to party? I thought about it for a second and thought,’why not’, what’s the worst that can happen?

With that his mate appeared as if from nowhere,’let’s get drunk’.

We got up and moved through the street.

Being new to Andong, I didn’t really know where I was going. It looked like a hotel but being new this could have been anything – a chicken restaurant,  shop coffee or soju and beer.  The doors opened and we faced an escalator.


‘Follow us, please’.

The two guys where laughing away. I realised something. I was thousands of miles from home. I didn’t really know anyone. I din’t really know where I was. These people could kill me.  I started to get a little nervous.

What if they tried to kill me, what if they attacked me or tried to rape me? The thoughts flooded through my head as I looked them up and down. I thought about my actions. If anything happens I’ll punch the little guy first then kick the big one between the legs.  No! That doesn’t make sense. Small guys have taken abuse for years so he’ll be harder to fight. I’ll punch the lanky one as hard as I can, that’ll knock him out then I can focus on the midget.

I don’t know anyone, I can’t fight, I don’t like violence, I’m alone with to strangers, what have I done?

The escalator moved to the 6th floor. The small talk died down. The small guy went for something in his pocket. My knuckles tightened.

The doors opened to



In the middle of the hotel was a Karaoke bar. The manager us with a ‘hiya’ and we meandered into the room. I twas gorgeous. There was  8 of them all singing along to a song on the machine. There was beer and soju and two plates- one with fish, one with fruit.

I was in heaven.

‘This is Ryan!’ They shouted as people shook hands and poured glasses of beer. Phew! I wasn’t going to get beaten up. We sang, drank, ate and sang some more.  As my new friend or ‘brother’ as he’d began to call me, began to sing, the Korean girl whispered to me,’compliment him, this is his English song’

He finished and I felt the need, probably through drink that it was wonderful – it was okay but I didn’t wan to let the guy down.

We’d all started chatting when suddenly, Richard asks,’what Size is your cock? Korean girls are smaller, so they’re great for smaller cock’. Korean men have small cocks. We’re great for Korean woman’.

At this stage I didn’t really know where to look and in that great British tradition of flight of flight at awkward conversation I stared at a spot behind his head while nodding,’hmm, interesting’.

‘So if you’ve got a big dick, and you’ve got a big dick, you’ll kill a Korean girl’. His friend jumped in from the side,’she’ll split like a banana’.


Now, up to this point each conversation had been a segue. This came out of nothing. Naturally, I responded with a shrug but Richard prevailed,’do you have a big cock. It must be massive? You are a big fat guy, with a big cock.’

One of his friends hushed hum, while the other got closer to me,’like a banana’.

He turns to a Korean girl beside him,’do you like his big dick’. Then he turned back to me,’come my brother, swing your big dick strong’.

With that, thankfully, my song came up on the Karaoke.

I’ve never sung,’The blowers daughter’ with more focus in my entire life.

Either Richard was embarrassed or he felt he’d embarrassed me. As soon as I’d finished he whisked me into the corner. ‘You need to go now, they have embarrassed you’. I shrugged,’don’t worry I’m fine’.

‘No, We go now’.

And with that we headed towards the exit and I rambled through the city until I found my way home.

Obviously, I don ‘t think all Koreans are obsessed with the British D but those two certainly seemed preoccupied. I haven’t ate a banana since that incident, coincidence?

On another note, it’s ahm, probably average.


Thanks for reading.


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